A flock of dads is called a grill.
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.