[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.