At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
definitely did not do anything wrong
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter