At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
describing stardew valley
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Spa day..😅
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas