At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“What?”
– Jude
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
my proudest tweet
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender