{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Ken is short for chicken
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Love is always patient and kind.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.