At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
That time Alicia messaged me
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone