How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going