Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.