*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You Might Also Like
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Your honor these allegations are
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.