*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“HELP WITH CAT”