[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again