*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
You Might Also Like
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>