[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going