[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
…u ok Nintendo?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok