*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Owl Sanctuary
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.