[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after