[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
You Might Also Like
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”