[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
fr
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Um … Hot Wings please
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again