[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.