[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
He took my last fry, your honor
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*