[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
💁🏻♂️
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?