[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
is this store having a stroke wtf
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road