[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Worth the read.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.