I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
drew a comic about my origin story
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.