Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?