OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.