[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
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Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆