Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.