[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
You Might Also Like
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!