[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.