[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.