[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie