[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.