[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Battery falling down a hole
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“No way.” -Jose
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Writing, She Murdered.