[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
You Might Also Like
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood