At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
You Might Also Like
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?