[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
the short answer to this question
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?