[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
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rise and shine we got egg
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Isn’t
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.