At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
any last words?
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.