Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Very good! 👍😂
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u