At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?