[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*