[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
It be like that sometimes 😆
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.