{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him