[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them