[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.