*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.