[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Best mom ever 😂
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight