*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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Reporter: *ports again*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.